Returning the Cheese
by Goddess Moondragon
Summary: Very similar (ok exactly the same) to Returing the Ring, except for the last 2 chapters, where insanity rules the world and cheese is the star.
1. Arrows and Foul Language

Hello all! This is my first fanfic, so bear with me. New chappies should be posted often. PLEASE read and review! I will try to write a response to all my reviewers ($20 says there's only one or two -lol-). Flames are NOT appreciated, and if received shall be used only to light candles (and/or burn down buildings). *COUGH pyro COUGH*  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the plot and few original characters. All the rest belongs to Tolkien (D'OH!)  
  
Enjoy!  
  
RETURNING THE RING  
  
JANUARY 6th, 2003 OMG! My mom totally doesn't understand! I HAVE to go to Brandi's party. It's like, the biggest party of the year, and if I don't go, everyone will think I'm a total loser. Oh well, it's not like she'll be up all night. After all..who says mommy has to know everything?..he he he.  
  
That was my diary a thousand years ago, when I knew absolutely nothing. Of course, being the complete idiot I was, I went to the party anyway.  
  
While I was walking, I tripped on the sidewalk and hit my head. The next thing I knew, I was in a strange place with strange people who I knew nothing of.  
  
Since I have nothing better to do at the moment, I will tell you the story of my life.  
  
"Oohh. My head hurts." I moaned, sitting up slowly. I opened my eyes, and all I saw were trees. No cars, sidewalks, houses, anything.  
  
Just trees. Everywhere. As this was going through my mind, something whizzed past my head, so close I could feel the breeze on my ear as it went by.  
  
I looked into (guess what!) the tree behind me, and there was an arrow stuck in the bark. HOLY SHIT! Someone was shooting at me! All I could think was "run, run, run!" Then I heard laughter. And a voice.  
  
"I'll be back in a moment, lady Adriane. Allow me to retrieve my arrow." At this, a tall man walked into the clearing where I sat. I groaned in pain, and he looked surprised to see me.  
  
"Who are you?" I asked slowly, puzzled.  
  
"I am Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood."  
  
"Huh? Prince? Mirkwood?"  
  
"Have you not heard of it?" Then he noticed that I was hurt. "Oh my, are you hurt very badly?"  
  
"It sure as hell feels like it."  
  
"My lady, please refrain from using such foul language. My mother always told me, foul words are for foul people."  
  
"Well, Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood, I am not foul people. I am a foul PERSON." He looked positively shocked for a few seconds, then laughed.  
  
"Why don't we get you to a place where your injuries can be better taken care of, my lady." With this, he lifted my gently, one arm under my shoulders, the other around my waist. He walked through the trees to another clearing where a lady waited. "Lady Adriane, look what I found!"  
  
"Legolas, who is she?"  
  
"I do not rightly know, my lady."  
  
"Is she hurt?"  
  
"Yes, actually, I almost shot her."  
  
"Oh, really?" She looked as if she was trying not to laugh.  
  
"Why do you laugh?"  
  
"Do you not remember? That is exactly how Alenorin and I met."  
  
"I remember, I just don't see what is so funny." I groaned in pain and he seemed to remember that I was there. He gently set me on his horse, climbed up behind me, and we began to ride.  
  
a/n: remember, r/r please! Thanx for reading, check back for new chappies soon. 


	2. Hot Elves for Breakfast

Hello again.back with a new chappie (in one day!) please r/r, and enjoy!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Hehehe I still own nothing but some characters and plot. All the rest belongs to Tolkien.  
  
When I woke up, I was in a bed in a large, sunny room. I sat up, surprised to feel completely recovered and well rested. I looked over at the chair next to the bed, and there was a dress laid out for me.  
  
It was a light, bluish-purple color, with a silvery glow to it. I stood and picked it up. It was smooth and soft, and when I put it on, it fit perfectly. There was a soft knock at my door, as if whoever it was was trying not to disturb me.  
  
"Come in." I called. The door opened, and Legolas walked in. "Hi!" I said, glad to see him again.  
  
"Are you feeling better?" he asked.  
  
"Surprisingly well. I have to ask though, where am I?"  
  
"In the palace of Mirkwood, of course."  
  
"And where is that?"  
  
"Mirkwood."  
  
"No! Where is Mirkwood?"  
  
"Middle-Earth."  
  
"Middle-Earth? Where's that?"  
  
"Are you trying to tell me that you have no idea where our planet is?"  
  
"I'm trying to tell you that I have no idea where I am. I know that one minute I was walking to Brandi's party, and the next minute I was lying on the ground in the woods in a weird place with weird people who won't even tell me where I am."  
  
"People? Where have you seen people?"  
  
"Ummm.here?"  
  
"Really? You must show me where you saw them. I have not seen a person in many hundreds of years, that is, with the exception of you of course."  
  
"Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. Where am I? Who are you? WHAT are you? Why am I here?"  
  
"I already told you. You are in the palace of Mirkwood, I am prince Legolas Greenleaf, I am an elf, and I don't know why you are here."  
  
"Wait. You're an ELF???"  
  
"Yes. You did not know this?"  
  
"Whoa!"  
  
"I am an elf, not a horse, my lady. By the way, what is your name?"  
  
"My name is Jane."  
  
"Well, lady Jane, breakfast will be ready in ten minutes. I will send someone for you."  
  
"Thanks, but please don't call me lady Jane. It sounds all prissy and stuff."  
  
"Then what shall I call you?"  
  
"Jane."  
  
"As you wish." With that he left, silently closing the door behind him. I looked in the elaborate mirror and saw that I was caked in dirt. I carefully took off the beautiful dress, so as not to ruin it further, and went to take a bath.  
  
I was putting the last hairpin in my hair (I found them in the vanity drawer) when there was another knock on my door. I walked over to open it, and found the same lady who was in the clearing.  
  
"Are you ready?" She asked.  
  
"Yes." I answered. "What is your name? Mine is Jane."  
  
"Yes, Legolas told me. My name is Adriane, but you can call me Addie. I am engaged to Legolas's cousin, Alenorin."  
  
"And Legolas? Is he engaged to anyone?"  
  
"No," she replied with a smirk. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"Just wondering" Actually, that was only partly true. I WAS wondering, I just didn't tell her WHY I was wondering. I was wondering because he was hot.  
  
No, he was REALLY hot! He had eyes that were the bluest of blue, and perfect long blonde hair. Usually when I think of long hair on guys I think of mullets, but this was NOT a mullet! It was just long, and blonde. He had the top half pulled back, and a small braid starting at his temples on each side of his head.  
  
He had a bow and a quiver of arrows slung across his chest, and around his waist, a belt with a knife and a sword sheath attached to it. He was tall and well built, AND he had a killer smile.  
  
How much more can you possibly ask for in a guy? We walked to the other end of the palace, and into the "dining hall". I sat down right across from Legolas, and I stared at him while I ate. 


	3. The Fellowship Meets Again

Howdy y'all! Pink, ur rubbin off on me (she thinks she's a hick). Yes well thanx to all my reviewers, and please r/r for new readers. Remember, constructive criticism is appreciated, but flames will be, well, BURNED. Hehehe.or USED to burn things.whichever.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own all original characters and plot, otherwise it's all Tolkien's.  
  
Yes, well, onward to the story!  
  
After breakfast, he walked over to me. "Would you like me to show you around the palace?"  
  
"Yes, please."  
  
First, he showed me the main floor. All of the big rooms were down here. There was the dining hall, the throne room, the kitchens, and of course the gardens, some of which were indoors, and some of which were outdoors.  
  
We only went to the indoor ones, but he promised to take me back to the other gardens, and maybe even the woods by the end of the day. After the lower floor, we went to the upper floors.  
  
My room was on the second floor, but there were actually three floors. He took me to his room, which was on the third floor. These, he explained, were for the regular people who lived in the palace, and the second floor was for guests.  
  
He also said that if I stayed in Mirkwood long enough, I would be moved to a room on the third floor. He led me outside, and we visited the archery range and he told me that if I wanted to, I could learn to handle a bow and arrow, hand-to-hand combat, and maybe to use daggers and swords.  
  
I agreed, and he said that I would start the next day, because an old friend of his was coming to visit, and he could teach me well. It was starting to get dark, so we began the long walk back to the palace.  
  
As we were walking, we passed a beautiful hill, so I stopped to look again. The sun was setting behind it, and the sky looked like it was on fire. The sun was a ball of flames, and the sky around it was lit up with orange and yellow light. The undersides of the clouds were glowing, and it was so gorgeous it took my breath away.  
  
I was standing there watching it, when I felt Legolas come up beside me. He surprised me by putting his arm around my shoulders, and pulling me close to him. I leaned my head back on his shoulder, and we watched the sunset together.  
  
The next morning, I woke up to find another dress lain across the chair. It was a deep forest green velvet with short sleeves and a low-cut neck, and it had gold trim.  
  
I put it on and walked down to breakfast. At breakfast, I met a few new people that I hadn't seen in the palace the day before. Legolas introduced me to Alenorin, who was Addie's fiancée, Arwen, whose fiancée was to teach me to fight, Veronica, whose fiancée Pippin was coming to the palace today, and Jennifer (who told me I could call her Jenny), whose fiancée Frodo was coming today as well.  
  
We all went for a walk in the gardens, and were eating a picnic lunch near a pond when we heard the front gate squeak open. They all rushed to the gate, to meet their friends, and I lingered behind, feeling a little out of place. Addie came back and grabbed my arm, pulling me toward the group.  
  
Legolas introduced me to everyone, "These are my friends. Fifty years ago, I traveled with them as the Fellowship of the Ring. This is Frodo," he said, pointing to a short fellow with bluish-grey eyes and brown hair. "He is a hobbit. These are Merry, Pippin, and Sam. They are also hobbits. This is Gimli," pointing to a short, stout man with hair and a beard the same color as mine: a bright, fiery red. "This is Gandalf the White," gesturing to an old man with long, silvery-white hair, dressed in long, white robes and carrying a staff. "And this," he said, pointing to a tall man with black or dark brown hair, "is Aragorn. He will be your teacher in the arts of combat."  
  
"Nice to meet you, everyone. I'm Jane." Soon after, I began my training.  
  
a/n: Won't update again till my review count reaches 15! r/r every1, so you can read on! 


	4. Swimming and Sunsets

Not much to say this time.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I still only own my original characters and plot.  
  
~~One Hundred Years Later~~  
  
I no longer required Aragorn's guidance in any matter of combat whatsoever. Legolas was right: he was a very good teacher.  
  
I was relaxing by the pond one day, when Legolas came and sat down next to me. "Jane, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One hundred and fifty years ago, when the Fellowship traveled to Mordor to destroy the One Ring, our quest was completed. At least, that's what we thought. It turns out that when Frodo chucked it into the fiery chasm deep within Mount Doom, the ring landed on a ledge. An orc was able to retrieve it, and they have been building up their army of Uruk-Hai ever since then. We must return the ring to the only place it can be destroyed: in the heart of Mount Doom. We leave on our quest in two days."  
  
"Fine, but if you go, I go with you."  
  
"I can't let you do that."  
  
"But Aragorn taught me to fight. I am perfectly capable of defending myself. I have my own weapons, I can run just as far and fast as any elf, and I would be no trouble at all."  
  
"Jane, I know that you are able to defend yourself, I just don't want you to get hurt."  
  
"If I get hurt, you will save me. You already did once, remember?"  
  
"You make a point."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"I still don't want you to go, but since you are so insistent, it looks like you're coming."  
  
"Thank you, Legolas." I said, hugging him tightly.  
  
"Promise me you'll be careful." He said in a choked voice. I had hugged him so tight he couldn't breathe!  
  
"Oops!" I exclaimed, letting him free. "Yes, I promise you that I will be careful, at least, as careful as I can be."  
  
He walked me to my room (which was now on the third floor!) "'Quel undome. Fúmë 'quel, mellon. (Good night. Sleep well friend)"  
  
"Namaarie an sí Legolas. (Goodbye for now, Legolas)"  
  
The next morning, I woke up to the touch of a soft hand on my cheek. "'Quel amrun Jane. (Good morning Jane) Wake up."  
  
"Good morning Legolas. Why are you here?"  
  
"I thought that since we leave tomorrow, we could do something today."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"I thought we could go for a swim or something relaxing like that."  
  
"That sounds perfect," I said, smiling, "but I need to get dressed."  
  
He blushed. "I guess that's my cue then, huh?" He walked out the door and shut it behind him.  
  
I dressed in a slip (so I could swim), and a light, airy dress. We went to the swimming hole in the woods, and I motioned for him to turn around. I took off my dress and tested the water with my toes.  
  
I backed up and ran to the pond screaming "CANNONBALL!" He just stood there dripping wet while I laughed. He took off his tunic and dove in right in front of me. I couldn't see him now, and I was laughing too hard to care.  
  
I shrieked so loudly when I felt something grab my ankle that it could probably be heard in Lothlorien! As soon as I realized it was Legolas, I reached under the water and poked him in the ribs. He laughed and let go immediately. I began to swim away, but he had somehow gotten a firm grip on my waist and pulled me back towards him. I laughed and poked him again, but this time he didn't let go. He suddenly looked serious, so I stopped laughing. "Amin mela lle, Jane. (I love you, Jane) I had to tell you before we left. I don't want you to be hurt."  
  
"I love you too, Legolas. I think I've loved you since the day I met you. And don't worry about me. You know I can take care of myself. I don't want you to be hurt either, but at least if either one of us" he put a single finger to my lips to quiet me.  
  
"Shh. Don't think about that now. Today is our day to not worry about anything." He put his finger on my chin, and tilted my face up to meet his.  
  
His lips moved softly against mine, and it felt like my whole body was on fire (in a good way). I instinctively wrapped my arms across the back of his neck, and he slowly stroked my cheek with soft fingertips. I would have kissed him forever, except, unfortunately, air is a necessity to life.  
  
We stayed there for quite a while, not moving, until I shivered. He lifted me up out of the pool of water and set me on the shore. I went back to my room and dried off, but not before kissing him again and saying, "Inyë níra atana rato, mellamin. (I will be back soon, my love)" I returned to find him staring at the setting sun. "Why are you staring, Legolas?"  
  
He responded slowly, almost as if in a dream, "I was remembering that night a hundred years ago when you came here. Looking at the sunset reminded me of you." I looked at the sun, and he was right: it was almost exactly the same as that one so many years ago.  
  
"I wanted to kiss you so badly that night, and now I can. I feel like the luckiest girl in Middle-Earth!"  
  
"And I the luckiest elf." As he said that, he swept me into another warm embrace.  
  
I looked deep into his wonderful blue eyes, and said "Amin mela lle, Legolas, ar vá voro leryalyë. (I love you, Legolas, and I will not ever let you go)"  
  
He held me tight, and stared right back at me, matching the intensity with which I looked at him. "Amin mela lle Jane, and if anything happens to you during our journey, I swear I will not stop fighting until I get you back."  
  
"And I the same." Holding hands, our fingers entwined, we slowly walked back to the palace, not wanting this day to end. We stopped at the door to my room, and I bid him goodnight. "'Quel undome, mellamin."  
  
"'Quel undome."  
  
The next morning, we were up at dawn, and Aragorn explained where we were going.  
  
"We will go straight through Southern Mirkwood to Emyn Muil. We should make it in about a week. Emyn Muil will be difficult traveling, but we will go through it anyway, as it is the most direct path to our destination, which, as you all know, is Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor. We must then travel through the Dead Marshes, and cross the narrowest stretch of Dagorlad. Then we shall travel through North Ithilien, which will bring us directly to Minas Morgul. We will go through Minas Morgul, and onto the Plateau of Gorgoroth, after which we will continue on to Mount Doom."  
  
a/n: I won't be updating as quickly from now on, seeing as I still have to write the story (I had most of the previous chapters written already before I registered with ff.net) Keep checking back for new chappies, expect one or two a week. Also I will be gone for all of next week, so no updates until the weekend. 


	5. Moriquendi and Swimming Again

We all (Jenny, Addie, Veronica, me, Alenorin, Legolas, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, and Sam) said our goodbyes, climbed atop our horses and rode into the woods.  
  
As we rode, we talked. It was actually a very interesting conversation about cheese, but that is unimportant in the big picture of things.  
  
Anyway, during the hundred years I had lived in Mirkwood, I had gained some elvish characteristics. Legolas suspected that I had elvish ancestors, because of the types of things I was able to pick up on. I acquired several traits that most people are not able to from just living among the elves.  
  
Physical things, like agility, incredibly accurate vision, hearing so sharp that I could hear a pin drop from miles away, and most obvious of all, the pointy ears. My ears now looked exactly like any elf's. I had also learned the language in a much shorter time period than it usually took humans.  
  
The first few days of travel were incredibly easy, since we were only riding through the woods of Mirkwood. We would ride all day, and stop in relatively clear spaces at night.  
  
We were on our fifth day of travel when we came across a river. Everyone was glad, because that was our first fresh water in days. I was especially glad, because this meant that I could bathe. I wasn't really dirty, since all we were doing was riding, but I still felt all icky. We stopped and camped at the river for two days, and I got my bath.  
  
I decided to go swimming one day, and as I was floating on my back relaxing, I felt a hand on my stomach. I wasn't startled, since Legolas did that all the time. I was so used to it, I didn't even open my eyes. That is, until I realized that that wasn't Legolas's hand.  
  
I think the point when it became obvious was when I was picked up and slung over someone's shoulder. I looked down, and I saw immediately that this was one of the Moriquendi, or dark elves. This race of elves was composed of elves who had crossed over to evil.  
  
Unfortunately, since I had been swimming, I had no weapons with me. Of course, I had chosen a secluded spot to swim, a little way away from the camp. I didn't want to get myself killed, but I also didn't want to be taken away from the group and not found.  
  
As I was trying to decide whether to scream or attempt escape or both, I heard a bush rustle. I was a bit alarmed when I saw Frodo's face, because if I had heard that bush rustle, than my captors must have as well. I slowly motioned for him to go back to camp and get the others, and he seemed to understand.  
  
The dark elf whose shoulder I was slung across noticed that I was moving my arm, and he threw me down. "Who are you motioning to?" He growled. This was the chance I needed, and I had to gain control.  
  
"No one." I stood up slowly, pretending to have hurt my ankle. I shuffled toward a nearby tree, and leaned against it.  
  
The other two Moriquendi moved, as if to attack me, and the first one took out a bow, obviously to make sure I didn't run away. "I asked you once, and I will only ask you once more. Who were you motioning to?"  
  
I swiftly climbed the tree, and jumped to the one behind the first elf. I dropped silently down onto the ground behind him, tripped him, and grabbed his bow. I shot one of the other ones and was aiming at the second when the first elf got up.  
  
I turned around and, dropping the bow, dodged his punch, kicking him underneath the chin. I could hear his jawbone crack, and was getting ready to kick him again when I was hit on the back of my legs. I collapsed and quickly got back up, but not fast enough.  
  
I was mid-punch when I felt the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life. It felt like someone had cut my left arm off at the shoulder and sewn it back on without anesthesia. Unfortunately, I was too far in the punch, and I smacked him with my injured arm.  
  
That hurt really bad. Luckily, Frodo chose just that moment to arrive with Legolas and Aragorn. Legolas finished off the one that I had just punched, while Aragorn killed the third.  
  
"Jane, what happened?" Legolas asked me in a worried voice. I croaked in pain, and he noticed my shoulder. "Aragorn, she's been shot. I'll carry her back. Do you mind searching the woods for more?"  
  
"No." Aragorn replied, walking into the trees.  
  
Legolas picked me up gently, with one arm under my back and the other under my knees. "Haryalá caurë, mellamin. (Have no fear, my love)" He walked slowly back to camp, and set me down carefully. "Brace yourself, Jane. This is going to hurt."  
  
The arrow hadn't gone through the back of my shoulder, and the only way an arrow can be removed is for it to continue its original path. For me, this meant piercing the skin of my back.  
  
He broke off the feathered end, and I winced in pain. He then quickly pushed it through (while I shrieked my head off), and cleaned and bandaged the wound.  
  
"Owie." I said weakly.  
  
He picked me up and carried me to my blanket. He lay me down and covered me. "Rest now, and you will feel better." I fell asleep immediately, and when I woke up, it was the middle of the night.  
  
I rolled over onto my side, remembered my injury when it hurt, and rolled onto my back. I looked up at the starry night sky, and was deeply immersed in thought when I felt a hand on my arm. It was Legolas. He had fallen asleep next to me, and heard me move when I woke up. "How do you feel?" He asked quietly, so as not to wake up the others.  
  
"Better. At least, a little. It still hurts really bad."  
  
"And it will, for quite a while. You will slowly regain use of your arm, though, and it should be back to normal in a few weeks. If we were at Rivendell, it would only be a few days." He commented wistfully.  
  
"I will be fine."  
  
"I know." He leaned over and placed his hand on my cheek. "Do you think you can manage a kiss?"  
  
"Anytime." With that I leaned up and met his lips with mine. I fell asleep soon, and dreamt of him. The next morning, I woke up in his arms. "'Quel amrun."  
  
"'Quel amrun, mellamin." 


	6. The Insanity Begins

This is the start of the insanity...no, seriously, it is.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own all original characters and plot. All else belongs to the great and mighty Tolkien. Except, of course, the cheese. That is mine as well.  
  
"I'm hungry. Is anyone else awake?"  
  
"I do believe that they all woke up, had breakfast, and are in the midst of swimming."  
  
"Oh joy."  
  
"Would you like something to eat?"  
  
"Yes, please. What do we have left?"  
  
"The hobbits appear to have cleaned out our supply of bacon, bread, fruit, jam.oh dear. We only have lembas and water left. They seem not to like those."  
  
I laughed and replied, "No cheese? They certainly do get hungry, don't they? I will need to regain my strength if we are to begin travel again tomorrow."  
  
"You are right, my dear." He said, handing me some of the lembas and a cup of water. I took a small bite of the lembas and handed it back to him, while thirstily drinking the water.  
  
"Thank you, Legolas."  
  
"No problem. Now I must clean your wound again." I winced, remembering the pain. "It shouldn't hurt as much this time, but it still has to be done." He gently peeled back the bandage and wiped my shoulder with a damp cloth. Suddenly, the pain seemed to fade away into nothingness. I opened my eyes in surprise, and saw a bright green glow flowing from Legolas into my shoulder.  
  
"Legolas!" I gasped. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What do you mean 'what am I doing?' I'm cleaning your wound."  
  
"No, the green glow."  
  
"What green glow?"  
  
"The one coming from you."  
  
"You can see MAGIC?"  
  
"Magic??"  
  
"I was putting some of my own into you, in hope that it would ease your pain. Normally, elves can't see it, so I thought you wouldn't notice."  
  
"Well, my pain is gone, so I noticed. But how could anyone NOT notice that glow? It was so bright it was almost blinding."  
  
"If you could see it, you must have some of your own."  
  
"Magic?"  
  
"Yes, magic."  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"No, actually it gives off a bit of a warming sensation."  
  
"Never mind. So, how do I use it?"  
  
"You can't, really."  
  
"WHAT?? That's no fair!"  
  
"You cannot use it for anything except healing. Now that you are aware that you have it, you should heal much more quickly than usual. You can also use it to heal others, as I did for you."  
  
"Does this mean that I am immortal as well?'  
  
"I do not know."  
  
"That's not fair either."  
  
He just laughed and replaced the bandage with a new, clean one. We sat there talking for the rest of the morning, waiting for the others to come back for lunch. We knew they would come back because they had hobbits with them, and hobbits NEVER intentionally miss a meal. Sure enough, like clockwork, they walked into the campsite at exactly noon.  
  
"So," asked Merry innocently, "what's for lunch?"  
  
"Why don't you tell us?" Legolas and I replied at the same time, laughing.  
  
"What do you mean?" Asked Pippin nervously.  
  
"We mean, where's all the food?"  
  
"Um.it ran away?"  
  
"Sorry hun, I don't think its working!" Laughed Veronica. "He ate it for breakfast."  
  
"ALL of it??"  
  
"Well no.I helped. But so did Frodo and Sam." She said accusingly, pointing at them.  
  
"WHAT? We were hungry!"  
  
"Whatever. ALL of you are going to go get us more food. Have fun hunting and gathering."  
  
"But won't we get hungry?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Bye bye! Don't forget the cheese!" We (me, Addie, Jenny, Alenorin, Gimli, Gandalf, and Aragorn) waved as Legolas shoved them into the woods. "So, what shall we do? I don't think they'll be coming back too soon."  
  
"Why don't we play hide-and-seek?"  
  
"Oh my gosh you guys. That is SO second grade!"  
  
"What's second grade?" They asked me, puzzled.  
  
"Oops. Never mind. What I mean is that only little kids play that game."  
  
"So??"  
  
"You have a point."  
  
"Besides, maybe we'll even be able to scare the others while we play!" We all laughed really hard at that.  
  
"Alright then who's it?" I was feeling better by now, and the pain in my shoulder was almost completely gone from Legolas's magic. I looked around after no one answered me, and I realized that they were all gone. "Great, I guess I'm it then, huh?"  
  
"YES!" A chorus of shouts echoed from the trees.  
  
I counted to one hundred, and took off into the woods. "Ready or not, here I come!" I heard a bush rustle, so I silently walked over to it and yelled "HA HA HA I FOUND YOU!" as I looked into the bush to see who I had found.  
  
Inside I saw Jenny and Frodo, kissing like there was no tomorrow. "Oops." I said, embarrassed. "Maybe I'll go now." They just completely ignored me.  
  
I ran off toward a cave that I had spotted several days earlier that would make a really good hiding place. I walked slowly through it, careful to look in every little spot. I finally gave up and was leaving when I heard a sound like someone sneezing, and then a small laugh. I walked toward the spot that the sound had come from, and what do you know, there were Veronica and Pippin, kissing passionately.  
  
I left the cave and walked around in circles, exasperated. I went to look for Gimli, knowing that I was safe with him because he wouldn't be kissing anyone. I was searching for him behind rocks and such when I heard a sound from above me. "Grrrr. Not again." I growled. I looked up and, of course, there were Addie and Alenorin, kissing like crazy.  
  
I picked up a sick and threw it, screaming to no one in particular, "WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE MAKING OUT WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK?!"  
  
"Like you said, Jane. Only little kids play that game." Said Legolas as he came up behind me and grabbed my waist. He spun me around so I was facing him and planted a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Well, if you insist." I said while leaning up to kiss him. The others got tired of hiding and went back to camp, while we kept on kissing. 


	7. The Insanity Continues With Dreams

And the insanity continues...  
  
DISCLAIMER: The cheese is mine. Steal the cheese and you shall succumb unto to the wrath of the cheese gods (i.e.: cows). Oh yes, and for those lucky few who flame AND steal cheese, you will be forever plagued with evil purple leprechauns who chase you down and beat on you with moldy potatoes.  
  
In the morning, we had to leave for Emyn Muil. We had spent a few extra days in Southern Mirkwood because of my injury, so we had to leave immediately.  
  
We were all packed up and ready to go, when Gandalf asked curiously, "Where are Pippin and lady Veronica?" None of us had seen them, so we went to find them. I went straight to the cave with Gandalf, and there they were, still kissing.  
  
"Did you two know that it's morning?"  
  
"Morning? Really? We should go then, shouldn't we?" Asked Pippin absentmindedly.  
  
"Well, that is what the rest of us are trying to do, if you two would kindly join us." Scolded Gandalf sternly.  
  
"Sorry Gandalf." They replied meekly.  
  
Finally, when we were on our way, Aragorn brought up the subject of cheese again, and our conversation lasted well into the day. Around two in the afternoon, we entered Emyn Muil. At first, it wasn't much different from Mirkwood, but later in the day it changed. The landscape got much more hilly and rocky. There were still lots and lots of trees, but it was much harder to travel through. We stopped to camp near an especially large rock that night, and when everyone else was asleep, I went to sit on it and look at the stars.  
  
They were beautiful, and if I stared at them long enough, I could almost imagine that I was back in Mirkwood. I was lost in thought when I felt a gentle hand on my arm. After the Moriquendi incident, I knew immediately that the hand did not belong to Legolas. I looked over, and it was Aragorn.  
  
"Are you alright, my lady?"  
  
"Yes, Aragorn, I am fine. I was just thinking of Mirkwood, and how wonderful it would be to be there right now."  
  
"I was thinking the same thing."  
  
"I miss being able to stand out on my balcony and watch the elves play and run and talk. It is so lonely here."  
  
"I kind of enjoy the solitude. It grows on you. I do miss Arwen so very much, though."  
  
"I know how you feel. I have not truly been home for more than a hundred years. I don't miss it as much as one would think, though. Maybe this is my true home. Mirkwood. Legolas."  
  
He looked at me thoughtfully. "I do not know, my lady. I suppose you will find out in due time."  
  
"Yes, although you'd think a hundred years was enough time!" I got up and walked back to my blanket, falling asleep almost as soon as my head hit the ground. We continued along our path soon after I woke up the next morning, because we had lost so much time in Mirkwood.  
  
"I wonder why cheese tastes so cheesy." Said Gimli as we were making our way through the mazes of trees and rocks.  
  
"Yeah, really. You'd think it would taste like milk." Said Gandalf. "Does anyone know how cheese is made? I am a wizard, therefore I was never bothered with making cheese. I did eat a lot of it when I was a small child though."  
  
"It's made of mold." I commented knowingly.  
  
"No you retard! It's not made of mold, it's just moldy milk." That was Pippin.  
  
"You would know, since you're around moldy milk so often, Pippin." I said.  
  
"Actually, he is." Merry told me. He was obviously just trying to rescue his friend from total humiliation.  
  
"Sure, so if cheese is moldy milk, what is yogurt?" I argued. Ha ha ha! That was a good comeback.  
  
"Squishy cheese?" He was getting nervous now.  
  
"Actually, Jane, Pippin and Merry are right. Cheese is made of moldy milk, except yogurt isn't squishy cheese. Yogurt is different." WHAT??? Legolas was telling me I was wrong?? Something was definitely not right here (and it wasn't me).  
  
"LEGOLAS! You're supposed to be on my side!"  
  
"Oh, but I am. They are just right."  
  
"That was incredibly confusing."  
  
"It was supposed to be."  
  
"Yet another unfair thing that has to do with elves."  
  
"Everything is unfair and confusing when it comes to elves, Jane. You should know that by now." That was Aragorn.  
  
"Hey! Why is everyone against me today?"  
  
"Oh, it's not just today." Addie was looking at me funny.  
  
"I'm surprised you didn't notice it before." Jenny had the same look on her face as Addie.  
  
"She's right. It sure took you long enough." So did Veronica. "Hee hee hee. 'took'. Hee hee hee! That reminds me of Pippin."  
  
They were all acting so weird. I slowly backed up, trying to get away from them.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?" Frodo was behind me. Why were they doing this? I turned to run the other way, and I ran right into Sam. I jerked around and began to run again, only to have Alenorin stop me. They were forming a circle. I was trapped.  
  
"AAHHHHH!!!" I woke up in a cold sweat, screaming.  
  
"Jane! What happened?" Legolas sounded worried. He put an arm around me, and I shivered, remembering how they all turned against me. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It was horrible!" I buried my head in his chest, ignoring the pain that shot through my shoulder.  
  
"What was horrible?"  
  
"The cheese."  
  
"What cheese?" He probably thought I was insane by now.  
  
"The cheese in my dream."  
  
"Well, I'll just have to ask Aragorn to abandon the conversation of cheese on our journey."  
  
"That's not what was so bad."  
  
"Then what WAS so bad?"  
  
"The fact that you all ganged up on me and were going to hurt me. I don't know what you were going to do, but it was bad. You wouldn't let me get away."  
  
He pulled me close to him and whispered, "Jane, you know I would never hurt you."  
  
"I know you wouldn't, but it was such a horrible dream."  
  
"It'll be alright." I fell asleep in his arms, and when I woke up, the group continued to ride toward Mordor.  
  
"I wonder why cheese tastes so cheesy." Said Gimli as we were making our way through the mazes of trees and rocks.  
  
"Yeah, really. You'd think it would taste like milk." Said Gandalf. "Does anyone know how cheese is made? I am a wizard, therefore I was never bothered with making cheese. I did eat a lot of it when I was a small child though."  
  
"Oh no!" I stopped my horse and jumped off it, running in the opposite direction. Legolas looked confused, but then seemed to realize that this had something to do with cheese, jumped off his horse and ran after me.  
  
"Jane! Wait for me!"  
  
I didn't stop.  
  
He caught up to me.  
  
"What's wrong? Is this about cheese?"  
  
"Yeah. That was so weird. When Gimli and Gandalf started talking, they said the EXACT same things that they had said in my dream. I didn't want to stay there any longer because after that you all started to close in on me. I didn't want to be trapped."  
  
"I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to fix it."  
  
"It's ok. I didn't expect you to be able to. After all, it's all the cheese's fault."  
  
He laughed, and we walked back to the group.  
  
"What was that all about?" Asked Aragorn.  
  
"Nothing. Just no more conversations about cheese from now on, alright?"  
  
"Can we talk about yogurt?" Asked Gandalf.  
  
"Isn't that made of squishy cheese?" Pippin blurted out.  
  
"NO!" I yelled as loud as I could.  
  
"No we can't talk about yogurt, or no yogurt isn't made of squishy cheese?" Questioned Gimli.  
  
"NEITHER. No talking about cheese or yogurt or any of it!"  
  
Pippin and Gandalf walked away muttering, "She's so mean."  
  
"Yeah, really. I mean, it's only cheese."  
  
"STOP IT!" I screamed.  
  
Legolas told them, "Jane had a bit of a traumatic experience involving cheese when she was young, and talking about anything remotely related to it upsets her."  
  
"Really?" Asked Gimli. "What happened?"  
  
"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE DWARF!!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MENTION CHEESE AND I WILL HURT YOU SO BADLY THAT YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WALK IF YOU TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!" I charged toward him, only stopping when Legolas put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. Gimli pretty much avoided me for the next few days. At least the cheese thing was over and done with.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
Pippin and Gandalf were being really mean. They would walk around the camp and yell, "if only I had some CHEESE!" and, "Hey Jane, can we have toasted CHEESE for dinner?" and then run away laughing their heads off. Finally I completely lost it. I couldn't stand this torment anymore. I had to make them hate cheese for the rest of their lives. I knew exactly what I would do, but I couldn't do it alone.  
  
"Oh Legolas!!" I shouted, walking into the woods that surrounded our camp.  
  
"Yes?" Came the prompt answer, Legolas dropping down beside me from a treetop.  
  
"Want to help me?" I asked with an evil grin on my face.  
  
"That depends. What do I have to do?"  
  
"For starters, go get Addie and Alenorin." He left and by the time he was back with them, my plan was completely formulated.  
  
"What do we do?" Asked Addie.  
  
"I need your magic."  
  
Both Alenorin and Addie looked appalled. "What for??"  
  
"To get back at Pippin and Gandalf, of course. Since the others have no magic, they can be left oblivious to the whole thing."  
  
"How will you get back at them?"  
  
"Elves have dream-related powers, right? Like visions and prophetic dreams? Well, I figure if our dreams can be influenced, we must be able to influence the dreams of others." They nodded. "Well, I just want to influence the dreams of Pippin, Gimli and Gandalf." They all nodded again.  
  
"Since it won't hurt them, I suppose it is alright with me." Replied Legolas.  
  
"Me too." Said Alenorin.  
  
"Well.? Ok, I guess." Addie agreed.  
  
"Good! Ok, then. Here's what we do."  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT  
  
"So, Gandalf, what do you want for dinner?" Pippin grinned evilly.  
  
"How about some cheese, my dear hobbit?"  
  
"Sounds perfect." They walked away laughing.  
  
Then they saw it.  
  
The cheese.  
  
It was everywhere. All the trees. And the bushes. EVERYTHING was cheese.  
  
"YUMMMY!!" The two of them ran to the cheese (of course they didn't have to run far since everything was cheese). Pippin took the first bite. Then Gandalf. Then Pippin.  
  
"Ummm..Gandalf?? What's happening? I can't move my feet."  
  
"HA HA HA! Your feet are cheese!" Exclaimed Gandalf, taking another large bite. His feet turned to cheese too and Pippin laughed at them. Slowly they both turned to cheese, until only their heads were normal.  
  
"I wonder how to get back to normal??" Pippin looked incredibly confused.  
  
"I don't think we can."  
  
"NOOOOO!"  
  
~~BOTH PIPPIN AND GANDALF WAKE UP~~  
  
"I will never like cheese again!" Screamed Pippin.  
  
"Ok then. More for me!" Gandalf danced in circles and screamed to the sky. "Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese!"  
  
"AHH! THE CHEESE!!" Pippin covered his ears and rocked back and forth, screaming as loud as he could.  
  
"Well, at least it worked on Pippin." I said. "He was the more annoying of the two anyway." Then I woke up.  
  
"Hey, you're finally awake. How do you feel?" Legolas helped me sit up.  
  
"Umm.?" Obviously, I was a little weirded out, because this was the third time he had said something like that to me, and I thought maybe I was having another one of my weird cheese dreams. Then I had an idea. "How long have I been asleep?"  
  
"Three days."  
  
"And how long have we been away from home?"  
  
"It has been nine days so far, not counting today."  
  
So it was all a dream. Everything after I got shot. Man, I had weird dreams! I decided not to tell Legolas about them because he would probably run away scared.  
  
a/n: yes well the insanity shall end now, but if you actually liked the STORY and not just laughing at cheese (which is quite fun, mind you), then go to my other story, RETURNING THE RING, and read it, STARTING WITH CHAPTER 6-the two stories are different from then on. Hope you like it!  
  
r/r so I know if I should write more like this, but keep in mind that flames will probably set my cardboard box on fire, and then I won't have a home. So please, if you must flame, at least go get a bag of marshmallows for me so I can toast them as my box burns down.  
  
POLKADOTTED SOCKS! 


End file.
